Japanese song no lyrics wa baka desu!

You know, for some reason that I can't fathom, Asian songwriters like to put English lyrics into their songs. Like, they'll have "blah blah blah love you ooh" 'love you' being the only two English words in a whole mambojambo...and then they'll call the song 'Love You'. Which is perfectly fine, I guess, if the lyrics make sense. The sad part is that most of these songwriters don't even have primary school standard of English. Check out these English lyrics below, taken from Japanese songs: (note: there's a lot of Japanese stuff in between the sentences) Try reading them out. More hilarious that way.

+ Million but - Love

Heart
Your sexy eyes
No matter what I give
You screw me up
+ Million but - love
Going down down --> going down where?
Tell me what's love?
I'm a FOOL --> yeah, for singing this song.

Deep in your heart

How deep is your heart? --> er, about 10cm from my neck, I suppose?
Deep inside the darkness
Want to feel
Reached out to your heart, so deep --> what is a 'deep heart'?
How deep is this love?
Deep inside your heart --> this songwriter must have learned the word 'deep' earlier in the day and was eager to showcase his vocabulary.
I have so many secrets
maybe more than you
I wanna know your little secret --> KAYPOH!
that you have deep in you
Reached out in the dark, so warm
How deep is your heart?
Deep inside the darkness
Somewhere unknown and special --> it's inside the ribcage, lah.

Diamond Wave

long time, so blue, green, with you yeah
This is the heaven, oh yeah
You just follow your way
This is our spirits --> 'this is our spirits'?
I feel now and let's move on
Oh I will let you know
Please show me seeds of love --> How to show seeds of love?
Diamond Wave shiny eyes --> I catch no ball.
We've got going on, my dream forever
This is our spirits --> Argh. Do they not know singular and plural tenses?
I feel now and change the world --> What meaning?
Oh I will let you know --> know what? Wakarunai.

I'm Gonna SCREAM+

Ooh My Sweet Candy pop --> my sweet candy poo. heh heh!
Shining in my hand --> if candy shines, that means you must've..er. licked it.
"Where are you hiding?" --> who said anything about hiding?
that tells me where Ghost is --> Ghost? simi ghost?
I wish the stars --> you mean, you wish on a star.
Deadly darling --> is she deadly or darling?
Let me show you that "I need U" everytime I
I have been waiting for
Scary night --> scary movie! heh heh
Let's play my game
Deadly darling
Let me take you there, yeah baby
I have been waiting for scary night
I'm Gonna SCREAM+

Ooh yeah I'm gonna SCREAM+
I have been waiting for your smile
So Let's play my Game
I'm Gonna SCREAM+
Let me you that "I need U" "I Wanna be"
I'm Gonna SCREAM+ ---> SCREAMING ALREADY!
Let me take you there, yeah baby
"I wanna be free" --> first you say you're waiting. Then you say you wanna be free. Make up your mind lah.
I'm Gonna SCREAM+ ---> and I'M gonna scream if I have to continue read these lyrics.
Gonna SCREAM+

Real Face

Ha-Ha
Joker
Doop na Rhyme de
Show Time
West Side East Side
Hands up!
To go Through fire and water
The low of the jungle --> 'The low of the jungle.' Doesn't that mean snakes, insects, dead leaves...?
So we never lost --> Hhahahahahaha
Sneaker, Speaker, Diva --> Wow! This guy can rhyme!
Koko no key Right?
Big Star, East Side,
West Side, Big Time --> Big time leh!
Time lost can't be recalled --> *gasp* you're telling me!
Faith come move mountain --> Absolute disregard for grammatical particles, I see.
J-O-K-E-R Yeah
Wake up, wake up, make up --> Hahahahahaha
Play back, make bounce --> make bounce, leh!
Shine on
Failure teaches success --> yay! Let's fail some more!
So I wanna believe --> believe what?
The die is cast --> simi die? simi cast?
So we have to go --> ya, quickly go!

My theory is that these songwriters just plonk all their earthly vocab together in a song and hope that it makes sense.
They should hire me to be songwriter. Yeah! Make bounce! Make spin! Bake tin! Together we go! We go scary night! Yeah! Night Flight Light Dike! Time lost we go jungle! Heart deep secret want to know!

Watashi wa Japanese songwriter da yo!

My dog is my husband

Hey people, visit this website:

http://marryyourpet.com

Next time your doggie greets you at the door...you may not look at him in the same way again.

I can only say...this gives the word 'cross-breed' a whole new meaning, dood.

Mouthfully Ignorant

I don't get it when some angmohs say "I hate Chinese food."

Oi, hallo. You know what you talking anot?

You eat what kind of Chinese food? Mayonnaise with soy sauce chicken is it? Or your what octopus and eel with rice? Even if you say "But the local Chinese restaurant is set up by authentic chef from Hong Kong one" your menu got how many dishes?

Please lor. You don't anyhow go and talk dunno what nonsense.

Honestly, I wouldn't even dare presume to say "I hate American food" or any other (insert nationality) food. Worse still if you say you hate Chinese food, which makes you sound like an absolute fool. To make your words hold water, you must have tasted at least 100 dishes out of the thousands of Chinese dishes available and have hated at least 80 of them. And you know what? I don't think you can name even 30 dishes, let alone 100.

Chinese food isn't, no matter what you may think, all soy sauce and sweet and sour. It has 5000 freaking years of history. If you hate spicy, it has bland. If you hate sweet, it has sour. If you hate bitter, it has salty. If you hate fish, it has chicken. If you hate chicken, it has beef. If you hate beef, it has prawn. If you hate prawn, it has pork. And so on goes the list. Don't tell me you hate every single vegetable/meat in the world? Because if you hate chicken, beef, prawn, pork, etc. there is ostrich and xiang rou for you to try, want anot?

I don't think any of those culture-starved, ignorant people have ever tasted or even imagined the following:

Chilli crab, soaked in an orange-red sauce, with hot steaming buns on the side.

Sliced toufu stewed with prawn and pork.

Chilli kangkong.

Fish steamed with black beans and served with tasty gavy.

Stir-fried chicken drumsticks dipped into sweet hot chilli.

Claypot rice (cooked over real claypot stove) with chicken, salted fish, and vegetables.

Sliced beef with garlic and pepper.

Slices of pork wrapped inside a hot mantou with sweet gravy rolling over the sides.

Round pieces of toufu sizzling on a hotplate with egg lining the sides and bottom.

But nooo...all they know is some pieces of sweet and sour pork, some steamed fish here and there, some weird angmoh-ized concoction of meat particles and then they proudly declare "I hate Chinese food!"

Fine, dismiss the nationality of food with the largest variety in the world, that has been 5000 years in the making, with every seasoning and ingredient and taste you can think of, (and new ones being constantly invented) just because you have this misconception of what Chinese food is about. And you know what? You probably don't deserve to have your taste buds straightened out, anyway.

Rainy Days and Mondays

rainy days and mondays always get me down

Today is both rainy AND a Monday.

I am so tired of internship.

Let me count the ways.

Tired of waking up in the morning and knowing my whole day is gone even before I've lived it.

Tired of waiting for that condemned bus service 93, the slowest and idiot-est bus service ever.

Tired of sitting at my office comp with the blurry screen and slow processing speed.

Tired of using stupid online MSN that always cuts me off.

Tired of being in an office surrounded by industrious looking people tip-tapping on their keyboard.

Tired of being the only zuobo one among industrious looking people.

Tired of the Mediacorp canteen.

Tired of hash brown with rice.

Tired of ice milo and soya bean milk and chin chow.

Tired of Ms Resident Evil and her gawd-awful voice.

Tired of having to pretend like I'm working when everyone knows I'm not.

Tired of having a speaker-less computer.

Tired of being stuck in an air-con place with high-up windows for 9 hours every day.

Tired of being referred to as "the intern(s)".

Tired of being below the bottom of the foodchain.

Tired...tired...tired...moody and tired.

Of course it's not to say that I desire school. School has more nasty people and less nice people than the office. There are definitely fun times like mixing around with v. nice colleagues and acting like an idiot. But mostly I'm dying to get out of here. This ugly half-purple office with lousy computers. And there are five more weeks to go!

Five weeks isn't a long time. Nooo it's not. I mean, it's less than a term. Only one month + one week. They're already practising for National Day. They're advertising concerts that will take place after my internship ends. Heck we talk about late August and September already don't we? It's not long....not long...

5 weeks = 35 days.
I only work weekdays soo...
5 x 5 = 25 days
Only 25 working days more to tahan.

Recipe for an Enid Blyton adventure novel

Ingredients
2 x boys, brave, good-looking and humourous
2 x girls, one boyish and one who cries all the time
1 x pet, in form of dog, parrot, or other such amusing but useful animal
2 x parents, do not mind their pre-pubescent kids running all over country
2 x villains, ugly, thick-necked, black-browed, scarred creatures who constantly underestimate children
1 x policeman, burly, friendly and does not underestimate children
1 x random child, gets in the way of abovementioned boys/girls but does good in the end

(pick one based on preference)
1 x robbery
1 x kidnapping
1 x counterfeiting
1 x smuggling
1 x treasure hunt
1 x stranded on deserted island/lonely valley/middle of nowhere
1 x landing in the midst of enemy planes
1 x runaway children
1 x circus/fair event

(pick five or six based on preference)
1 x ginger cake
1 x pudding
1 x tongue
1 x jar of honey
5 x sandwiches, all different kinds
1 x exotic circus food from big steaming pot cooked by old witchlike woman
5 x bread and butter
1 x salt and pepper in screw of paper
5 x macaroons
5 x tomatoes
5 x cucumbers
5 x ginger beer
5 x lemonade

(pick one based on preference)
1 x tied up
1 x locked in a room
1 x blocked into underground cave
1 x threatened by ugly villains

(pick two or three based on preference)
1 x push newspaper under locked door to collect key
1 x use orange juice to write invisible ink
6 x get dog/parrot to nip ugly villain
1 x write name differently at end of note to signal trap
1 x hear gunshot and cry
1 x disguise selves in manner of rocks or other environmental elements

Procedure

1. School holidays begin. Four children + pet proceed either to home or holiday destination.
2. 4 children + pet eat fat ices.
3. At holiday destination, plump smiling bustling farm lady brings out feast to feed 50 people, 4 children + pet polish up the plates and 1) grumble about school food, 2) wonder why farmers' wives always make good cooks.
4. 4 children + pet are taken to mysterious rooms with all sorts of hollowed panels and chests with false bottoms that lead to secret tunnels.
5. Random child follows 4 children + pet around, cannot be shaken off.
6. 4 children + pet encounter exciting old man who tells tales about the wicked deeds of the old days.
7. 4 children + pet have scrumptious lunch, bathe and eat fat ices.
8. Enter ugly villains.
9. 4 children + pet discover secret tunnels through hollowed panels/false bottoms etc.
10. Discover devious plan by ugly villains in manner of kidnapping/smuggling/looting/etc.
11. Crying girl does not want adventure.
12. Boys set out in the night to twart evil plans and get caught by ugly villains.
13. Boys are tied up. Write note to girls with names changed at the bottom.
14. Random child arrives and opens bolted door, unties boys.
15. Girls + pet show up, pet nips ugly villains.
16. Nice policemen arrive and say "what a neat little haul! Hallo, who have we got here? xxx! Larger than life and twice as natural, I see!"
17. 4 children + pet + random child settle down to huge meal prepared by plump smiling farmer's wife who was worried to death about them.

Screamy girls...oh, my ears!

Yesterday night, my ears were subjected to the most horrific and nightmarish ordeal that ears should never ever be allowed to go through...I was surrounded by pre-puberty screeching fangirls.

To be clearer, let me explain exactly what happened.

One of the journalists, Humps (not his real name), was sent to cover the Wildcard Results show. So, having two tickets, he invited either EI (Exploited Intern) or I along. EI originally chop ticket first but was then transferred to morning shift so I said I'd go in her place. We arrived at the studio at about 6:45 and sat there in the pleasant cool silence of the empty seats around us, chatting away. After a while, another journo, J.Pee, comes up and sits down beside us. He has links to one of the contestants so he was there as a friend.

At 7:30 I was wondering to Humps and J.Pee whether anyone was going to come. If got empty studio, how?

Then SUDDENLY...like a tsunami wave...from nowhere...this bunch of excited, screeching convent girls leaped...and I mean leaped...onto the chairs beside and around us, drowning us in a myriad of bewildering and very scary noises. I clutched dizzily at Humps' arm, requesting for a change of seat. But Humps was too fascinated...also, he was under the delusion that he was as screamy and hyper as the Screeching Girls so he took a fancy to them. So J.Pee and I mustered up our courage to face the lions with calmness.

At first they were still not so bad. Disguised as innocent secondary school girls (and by the way I think they got a group rate because it was like some bloody school excursion for them), they looked perfectly harmless. Of course they didn't sound harmless but J.Pee assured me they wouldn't be able to keep up the screaming for long.

And boy oh boy, J.Pee, were you ever wrong, my friend.

When Gurmit Singh and Daniel Ong appeared onstage, Screeching Girls went about 40 decibels higher, thereby shattering 1/10th of my eardrums. I don't really remember what they were screaming, I guess I couldn't catch it. Cause you know, when you have about 40 voices screeching different things at the same time, the words just kinda get mixed up in a mass of strangled, incoherent sounds. I think even Humps began to reconsider the wisdom of remaining in his seat. But the studio was somewhat filled and there was no escape route.

Then the contestants appeared, and immediately Screeching Girls went 100 decibels higher. They weren't even supporting any one contestant, they were screaming for everyone! Paul, Geraldine, Jonathan, Gayle, Matilda...you name it! J.Pee and I exchanged pained looks. Humps leaned forward trying to catch what the people on the stage were saying, but we couldn't hear a bloody thing. Not. A. Single. Bloody. Thing.

By the time the programme was drawing to an end, I had officially lost half of my hearing ability and felt as drained as a puppet without strings. I now feel that I have a very intimate understanding with the idols who have to hear screaming like that every day.

As Humps had a backstage appointment, we hurried off as Jay was sobbing into his microphone, surrounded by the other friendly and supportive Top 11. I swear I could still hear Screeching Girls in my head.

What was left of the night was devoted to waiting around for the four lucky contestants to come out for their interviews. They took a long time. The promotions person was really apologetic when 10 o' clock appeared on the horizon and nary a hair of the hunted interviewees.

"Do you think we can do a phoner?" asked tired journo no.1
"hmm..." promotions person hesitated.
"Can we write in our article that we spent 45 minutes waiting in the cold for them and had no choice but to leave?" asked tired journo no.2

But in the end they did appear, and after the interviews, I rode home in a taxi with tired journo no.1, with Screeching Girls still in my head.

Lesson of the day: If you love yourself, never, ever, stay within 50 feet of Screeching Girls during a concert.

Be enriched

I tell you, riding on public transport can be a very enriching/funny/annoying experience.

As you’ve probably guessed, Putrans (public transport) and I are very good friends. We’ve been through thick and thin together. I’ve known Putrans since I was a very young kid…well, young enough to be out of the house without catching cold and dying. I’ve done all sorts of things on Putrans; I’ve gossiped with girlfriends, cried, dozed, gazed out of the windows, read, dreamed, imagined…yes, Putrans and I are very good friends.

Though of course, like in all friendships, I have many things to gripe about with Putrans. That’s normal. But for today, I’m not griping about Putrans. I’m griping about the people who ride on Putrans with me.

Yesterday morning, while I was on 93 on the way to work, we stopped at a bus stop near SPH. The doors swished open. A middle-aged auntie stood at the steps, ready to ‘teet’ her card and exit the vehicle. But she didn’t. Instead, she began searching furiously in her voluminous bag. Everyone waited for a few minutes, patiently, then faces started turning round. No-Card Auntie was still searching for her card, with a very sheepish grin on her face, as though it was a funny situation. Hallo, not funny, ok? Why never get out card before you reach your bus stop? Haiyoh.

Then, with another very sheepish grin, she turned around, put down her bag on the nearest seat, and started rifling through the umbrella, books, make-up purse, daughter’s report cards, husband’s birthday present, Zao bao, cooking utensils, cutlery, plates, cups, chairs, tables…

Until finally Got-Card Auntie produced her wallet and, triumphantly, ‘teet’-ed her way out.

The hasty operation took about five minutes.

True to form, the ‘mind your own business’/‘very shy lah’ Singaporeans didn’t utter a single word of reproof throughout the entire painful process. In fact, we were all very polite, simply looking on as No/Got-Card Auntie looked through her worldly possessions. But you could just feel the disapproval radiating from us, like in airwaves, you know? That’s what Singaporeans do. We’re subtle.

Today had a very interesting, thought-provocative discussion during lunch. We embarked on the very serious topics of strange marriages, hot Aussie guys wanting to ‘muscle’ Asian girls, psycho schoolmates, and stereotypical Chinese dramas.

Amazingly intellectual, ne? I think so myself too. Feel very enriched now. Have broad-minded views of the wide kaleidoscope of environment that we are living in. Am woman of useful knowledge and enthralling conversation.

Anyway, here are some interesting stories we shared, all true unless otherwise stated or unstated by their respective tellers.

1) A woman was standing outside a lift when the doors opened. Inside was a man. They looked at each other. Felt a ‘weird connection’. As though they’d known each other all their lives. Then they got married. Of course, not immediately, lah. But they did, and they’re still married. Damn cool can?

2) A girl was working as a bartender like, many decades ago. A tattooed sailor from NZ came in. They couldn’t communicate other than the order. But they fell in love and the girl eloped to NZ with her sailor, who then became an accountant to stay with her. (Yes I did say true unless otherwise stated). They’re still married with two kids.

3) A girl (notice the stories always start with girls? I wonder why) was happily dating around when one day she just vanished. Her friends tracked her down one year later living in India with her husband. Apparently she had gone to India on a ‘family trip’ and found out she was to be married to a son of a diamond merchant business. He was handsome, rich, young, nice, and offered to divorce her in a year’s time should she be dissatisfied with him. Obviously, she took him. In case you’re wondering, their parents fixed the match. How come MY parents can’t hook me up with a rich young handsome diamond merchant? KNNCCB.

I shall share details of our intellectual conversation later. You will be very enriched after it, I assure you.

By the way, I’m going to see Superman Returns this Saturday! Yay!